Maintenance Required
Where's the manual for the human condition?
Life.
It’s stressful.
It’s frustrating.
I didn’t ask to be born, yet I’m here all the same.
I’m not ungrateful. I’m just thinking about it.
I’ve opened my eyes into a world that has a storied and mysterious history that came before me. Equally, it has an unknowable and unpredictable future too. I sigh and watch the butter glisten on my toast.
I learned how to walk, read, and talk.
Then, I went to school to find out more about my little world.
I met other children and became friends, learned about interacting with others.
I left school on the cusp of manhood, knowing that responsibility and obligation is around the corner, but not really understanding what this means. Or even if I should take it serious or not.
We’re thrust into a world of navigating who we are as adults. We join the workforce. We start to think about our political ideals and form opinions on society.
Life seems like an unravelling, a game of pass the parcel. Each layer has it’s own pattern and texture. Sometimes, it leaves you feeling disappointed and confused, and other times wondering why you are there at all.
The layer that I’m in now requires me to shift my thinking. I shudder at the thought of changing again. But, I know it’s necessary. The reason I have to change is because I realise is that I don’t feel like I deserve looking after myself. Let me explain.
…
I require maintenance. It seems silly writing this down. But that’s what it boils down to.
I’m like a Sim character really. Although, as far as I’m aware, I’m piloting this avatar. I’m praying at this point I don’t get put in a kitchen with no doors and 0 cooking skill.
Through going to therapy I’ve learned that I have needs. There’s some of the obvious needs like being fed, watered, and having sleep. Then there’s less obvious ones. Spending time with people that you love. Quiet time for the mind (peace). Accomplishing stuff (not necessarily work stuff). They are important psychological and social needs.
I didn’t understand and appreciate that these needs can actually make you pretty unwell if they aren’t addressed. Just like if you don’t brush your teeth properly, your gums bleed. If we don’t feel like we’re part of a community or that have the capacity to succeed in our endeavours then psychologically that’s damaging.
I find that I can water my plants around the house (just about). The cat gets everything that he needs. If I see that anyone needs help I rush to fix or solve their problems (another issue for another day). So, why can’t I do that for myself?
I realised last year that I felt as though I didn’t deserve good things in my life. I feel like I don’t deserve compassion. I feel like I don’t deserve to be taken care of when I’m not doing okay.
It was a startling and upsetting realisation to come to terms with. It also felt confusing because in some areas of my life I felt like I was doing pretty well, like with work. I realised that my contributions to work and a lot of my motivations for going to work are about external validation, and being told by someone other than myself that was I was doing was ace.
External validation comes with it’s own set of problems, but one of them is that it’s not in your control what other people think of you (no matter how much you think it is).
The more I began to question myself the more I came to terms with the sad realisation that I didn’t think a whole lot of myself.
I can’t complain that my life isn’t where I want it to be if I’m not going to put in the work to make a difference.
…
So, the work begins. Maybe after all of this taking care of myself will feel like less of an obligation and more of a privilege. Rationally I know that’s what I could feel.
I’m learning in therapy about developing self-compassion which is a whole new skillset for me. Turning towards my emotions instead of avoiding them is challenging. For me, it means that I need to actually feel the emotion and not try and soothe myself out of the emotion. I find emotions tricky because my framework for regulating them hasn’t always been there. It’s something that I’m still learning.
I’m working hard to maintain myself so that I don’t become a walking “out of order” or “maintenance required” sign in human form.