Confessions... of a Control Freak

Unraveling decades of beliefs and values that hold me back

I felt like a ‘Cheating Client’

On 3rd September 2019 I did something that I thought I’d never do. I went and got a 2nd opinion on my personal therapy.

I had already been seeing a therapist since July 2013. Questions circled my mind. Was I undermining the work that I was doing in therapy? Was I cheating on that therapist with another one? What if my old therapist found out? It was a difficult moment in my therapy journey, because it wasn’t helping anymore.

In January 2019, I was on a plane, flying back from a solo-travel trip to New York City. It was a 4 day break to explore the city, and see the sights. There’s some questionable judgement around booking a trip to NYC in January because the cold is mighty and ferocious, but that’s a Substack for another day. I had such an exciting trip to the Big Apple, there had been so many energising and warm memories I created. It felt like the trip of a lifetime. I boarded the plane as with other flights in the past. I don’t remember feeling any particular way about coming home. Only that, it’s always nice to get back after a trip, especially after travelling to another country. A storm brewed that night and we had an awful gust blowing down on the runway.

When the plane took off I was minding my own business. We banked to the right to turn and I could see the ground from the window on the opposite side of my row. In that moment, thoughts intruding my mind. I heard “What if we crash?” and “What if this is it?”. I became terrified, I became distressed at the fact I might not see my parents again. I thought about all the things I still wanted to do, and things that I couldn’t do if I was dead. All the missed opportunities, all of the wasted potential, being afraid that it was all going to go down with me on that plane. I became overcome with white hot fear, and the only thing that I could do for the rest of the flight was to close my eyes. In fact, I kept them closed for the majority of the journey, until I was on the ground and back at Heathrow airport safe and sound.

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Homecoming

Whilst I had nothing close to a near-death experience. Physiologically, mentally, and emotionally some shifts happened. I found myself experiencing anxiety in work, in my personal relationships, and when I was on my own. It wasn’t until I had my first panic attack at work that I knew I had a problem. I had an overbearing and micro-managing boss at the time, and he was talking to me in a way that I didn’t appreciate. Next thing I knew, I was in a cubicle at work, collapsed on the floor. It felt like someone had pulled the plug on me, I had zero energy left in my body. I scraped myself off the floor, and went home sick. I felt embarrassed and ashamed of myself that I couldn’t ‘keep it all together’.

I’m fortunate in that, during 2017-2019 I had begun to train as a therapist. I was by no means a professional, and I hadn’t completed my training. But I knew a thing or two, and I knew that what was happening to me wasn’t right. I reached out to some close friends who happen to be therapists, and I asked them for their opinion on what they thought I had experienced. For me, I felt like perhaps I was overreacting, had I even remembered things on the plane correctly? Did I have a panic attack at work? Surely not, that’s where you have a brown paper bag and you ring Samaritans, right? After exchanging some DMs, it was clear that I’d probably experienced a panic attack. When I talked about this in therapy, I felt like the subject wasn’t landing. It’s not that my therapist didn’t think it was important. I think it was more that she didn’t know how to help with my anxiety, and to explain what it was that I was going through. Being a trainee therapist, I started to get a sense for the depths of her skillset, and found that I was reaching a glass ceiling.

I decided, after months of being racked with guilt, to see another therapist. The therapist that I settled on was Sarah Rees, a CFT/CBT therapist based in Wilmslow. It was a one-time deal, I’d drive up to Manchester, and we’d have a session to see what we could excavate together. Sarah was someone whom I had privately admired for a while, and also collaborated with on multiple occasions, via Sarah’s podcast. I felt as though Sarah “got” what I needed and was struggling with, and we had a mutual trust there from working with each other before. It all just made sense.

Up North

I live in the West Midlands, so, Wilmslow is around about 2 hours away from me. I did what I always do when faced with a long journey. Bust out a playlist (hand crafted for the trip), then break up the drive with unnecessary stops at Services. At this point I had known Sarah for a few years, but we had only ever spoken online. We hadn’t actually ever met in person, so this endeavor was surreal to say the least. I felt like I was meeting some kind of celebrity!

I finally got to see Sarah in the flesh, and it was weird being able to hug each other in person! It was around September 2019, and I was due to fly out to NYC, in another 3 weeks. You see, I had that much of a great time in the Big Apple, that I desperately wanted to go back. There was a conflict for me, because I was also now terrified of stepping foot on a plane, perhaps even ever, because of my experiences earlier in that same year. I had worked hard, saved up lots of money, and wanted to make this trip something awesome to remember, I was determined to go. This is why seeing Sarah was so important to me.

One of the reasons that seeing Sarah was so exciting, was because she worked in a different Counselling Methodology than I was used to. A methodology is a bit like a framework for how you practice therapy. A therapist can become an expert in one particular framework - such as Psychodynamic therapy - or they can practice what we call Integrative Therapy. Integrative Therapy is where over time, the therapist becomes familiar with many different types of therapy, and they adapt the session to the needs of the client rather than using one style of therapy. As I was training to be a therapist, I thought this was impressive, and I felt a lot of confidence that no matter what I bring to the session, Sarah would be able to handle it.

In the therapy session, we talked about my life, some of my habits, and in particular some of the things I avoid in life. What was remarkable was that, despite having personal therapy for 6 years at that point, I felt like something was missing. There was something about my life which I didn’t have awareness of, that was holding me back and hurting me. Sarah watched me, and after hearing nearly an hour of my life story, reached forward and said “I can see that you have a problem with control, you don’t like being out of control in your life”. I felt angry, no one likes being confronted with a difficult truth. After feeling the depth of what it was that Sarah had just said, I felt like a truth about myself had been unlocked inside of my mind. Upon reflection, a lot of my behaviour and way of being made a lot of sense. I had a new sense of purpose again for my therapy journey. I couldn’t believe that Sarah was able to sense this about my life so easily, and I was left the session inspired.

So, what happened on the plane?

After having the session with Sarah, I walked away with a key understanding. The panic attack itself was a massive misinterpretation, as a result of the thoughts in my mind. I know now, that I had a low tolerance for intrusive and hurtful thoughts like “What if I die?”. I had a child-like outlook, in that emotionally I had never begun to process my own mortality. Rationally, I understood, as all of us do, that one die I’m not going to be around anymore. Emotionally, I felt as though, the things that were in my life at the time, were always going to be there, and nothing can change that. Meanwhile, a cosmic force chuckled and whispered “Au Contraire”.

When I believed that I was going to die on that plane, it was one of those moments. You might know what I mean. Where you see a glimpse of who you truly are. I don’t mean this in a heroic sense. Much more, that, a way of living that lived in my subconscious came to the surface, and gave itself away. When you board a plane, there’s a unspoken exchange of control, it’s actually the definition of being out of control. I mean, the people who fly the plane are literally called pilots. It’s funny typing this, because, again, rationally I know all of things. Emotionally, it can be a different story. The intrusive and tortuous thoughts arrive, and all rationality I’m afraid, goes away. There’s a sense of irony, because in a struggle to regain control, this process of experiencing a panic attack feels like losing control of your body, thoughts, and emotions all at the same time.

For the first time in my life, I was realising that, things would never be the same again. My awareness of myself, my relationship with myself, and my thoughts about the world had forever been changed. A sense of grief for the life that I lived before washed over me, I missed the blissful ignorance. “Why couldn’t I just carry on being a Control Freak”, I would often wonder to myself.

Coming to terms with things

Without going into too much detail, it was clear that events that transpired earlier in my life (see, “My Grief” post below) had a profound impact on relationship with myself, and the way that I chose to navigate life thereafter. I felt powerless, with a lot of the different things that happened in my childhood, so, naturally, I overcompensated by creating complete control. As with everything though, there can be too much of a good thing. I tend to stifle my life, create a comfort zone, free of change, fear, and pain. I would often drive places instead of walking to avoid being in situations where I might be fearful. Micro-managing situations to prevent uncertainty, like booking a table at a restaurant. Over plan and prepare for meetings so I would never be “caught off guard”.

But that isn’t life is it? Life is difficult, there’s suffering, and in reality, little that we do have control over. There’s a quote that I love which says:

“To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often”.

There’s something about the way that I look at my life, that doesn’t want change. There’s a part of me that would love me to stop typing this Substack now, and would like me to find a deep sofa, some nachos, and pop on a Netflix show. It wants to create certainty, comfort, predictability, and control. It doesn’t want me to ever change, it wants me to be free from fear and adversity. The worrying part is, that it may even achieve that. What kind of life is it, to not feel, to not participate. I felt as though there was more here than meets the eye.

The insights from that session have fueled the last 4 years of therapy for me. I decided to change my therapist and became a weekly client for Sarah Rees. The work has been hard, and I could never have anticipated how deep the rabbit hole went. There aren’t enough words in the dictionary to explain the years of analysis, self-awareness, growth, and change that I have had to make in order to begin to usher less control into my life. It feels weird to say type this here, that to have some elements of your life not figured out or planned out to the littlest detail is okay. The rewards that have come from ‘letting go’ speak for themselves if you know me, if you don’t know me I would say that I no longer feel like I am a prisoner in my own life. I still have difficult days, that part of me that wants to control everything, and create a comfort zone where nothing is ever wrong or never distressed will likely always be there. For me, it’s about allowing myself to be a human-being. Warts and all. To experience this life, in a way that I want. Rather than playing a role in a script that I’ve had no part in (consciously) designing.

Thank you so much for reading! If you made it this far, well done! I had never anticipated that this piece would ever be this long. I do want to give a shout-out here to

Sarah D Rees

- this part of my journey would not have been possible without her, and I encourage all of my readers to check her out, and especially her Substack publication Therapists Corner . Sarah embodies all of the hallmarks of a wonderful therapist, and working with her has been a privilege.